Post by LISETTE DESTINEE on Oct 18, 2011 20:04:46 GMT -5
August 10th,1751
The countess Colette is so very kind to me. Me,a girl with no fortune let alone anything to her name and still is very kind to me. I don't have a lot of money to spare. Only things for my clothes and necessitates but I never imagined owning another journal again but yet,here I am. I'm writing for what feels like the first time in a long time. I write quietly as I sleep in the servant quarters and try to not disturb the others around me. Only a single candle remains as my light in this dark place. One candle is all I need for now. It's all I need to write out my thoughts for the moment. This will be the only chance I have to write so might as well make it count for now.
Today is the first time I ever came to Versailles. I have to say....the French really overdo themselves with their elegance and such. I remember the French court coming to England one time. I remember how interested I was in their fashion and now I wear their fashion! How much has changed. How much. But as I remember England....I remember of a time when I was the most innocent one. The most happy. I remember my parents. I miss them so much. I have to be careful what I write about them now. I don't want to cry...it's for me to even do that now. I miss them so much. I can't help but think they are watching over me. I can't help but wonder if they are guiding my every step that I make. I certainly hope so. Maybe they'll lead me towards some kind of happiness. Something that will fill the empty void in my life. Don't get me wrong,I love being in France and the countess has been more than kind to me. She's become the one friend that I have for now. I could use one. None of the servants talk to me. Maybe that is my own fault. Maybe it's because I feel so closed on the inside and out that I'm afraid to make more friends. Maybe it's my fear. Or maybe it's something else. I'm not sure. But then I remember why I'm so close...it was because of him. Eric. God,I thought I'd never have to think of him again. But that changed last night.
Last night for the first time in a long time,I dreamt of him. I went to sleep,thinking of sweeter thoughts but when I slipped into a deep state of subconscious,I was taken to a place...a forest in France. I was dressed in the white nightgown I had slept in. I was on my own,walking,feeling the wet grass between my toes and then I heard a voice. HIS voice. I couldn't ever forget it. In my dream,I turned around and there he was. I remembered his curly blonde hair and his eyes...his eyes...I could never forget. In the dream,I approached him. He was dressed in only a white shirt,black breeches and black boots. He was leaned up against a tree from what I remember. As I approached him,he began to talk about how he missed me,what a fool he was and like an idiot,my dream self listened. As I approached him,he took me in his arms and admitted that he loved me. But just as we were about to kiss,I woke suddenly. I gasped and looked around. I was in the bedchambers for the servant's at the countess's home. I was in reality. But it felt so weird. To see him again. I didn't want it. I laid down after having waking up and just stared at the ceiling,remembering when I met him and those months were I believed he could have cared for me. But then I remembered. I remembered he broke my heart. He kissed that woman. I saw it...with my own two eyes. Tears ran down my eyes that night. The heartbreak still felt new. He took my heart and tore it to pieces and yet...I miss him. I don't know how but I miss him. A part of me wants to believe that what I saw wasn't true. That it was all an illusion. That it wasn't him. But it wasn't an illusion. It was reality. He had kissed that girl,broke my heart and my life only went downhill from there. I don't blame Eric for any of my misfortunes...except that one day. It is because of him that I cannot open my heart. It is because of him that I fear to open up to anyone else and it is because of him that my heart still longs for him. I know he must have moved on by now but this feeling I cannot forget. I loved him. I fell so hard for him and yet...
I love him still. I hate him but...I love him. How strange is that? How can I love someone and yet hate him at the same time?
Alas when I try to stop my tears,talking about him always brings tears to my eyes. I cannot stop...I had to pause for a moment. My tears were ruining the paper and thus would ruin my writing. But I think I should stop writing. Before more memories of my past haunt me more and more. Before memories of him keep me from sleeping. I shouldn't be thinking these things. No,no. They cannot bring me down. They wouldn't. These past memories won't haunt me...not now. But for my final words,I write this. How can one forget someone that broke another's heart but yet...still long for said person. In short...I feel like a part of me is still away because of Eric. A piece of me that never could be filled. For some reason.
Thus with these final words,I, Lisette Destinee finish my writings for this day. With a single candle flame being blown out. I sleep now.
The countess Colette is so very kind to me. Me,a girl with no fortune let alone anything to her name and still is very kind to me. I don't have a lot of money to spare. Only things for my clothes and necessitates but I never imagined owning another journal again but yet,here I am. I'm writing for what feels like the first time in a long time. I write quietly as I sleep in the servant quarters and try to not disturb the others around me. Only a single candle remains as my light in this dark place. One candle is all I need for now. It's all I need to write out my thoughts for the moment. This will be the only chance I have to write so might as well make it count for now.
Today is the first time I ever came to Versailles. I have to say....the French really overdo themselves with their elegance and such. I remember the French court coming to England one time. I remember how interested I was in their fashion and now I wear their fashion! How much has changed. How much. But as I remember England....I remember of a time when I was the most innocent one. The most happy. I remember my parents. I miss them so much. I have to be careful what I write about them now. I don't want to cry...it's for me to even do that now. I miss them so much. I can't help but think they are watching over me. I can't help but wonder if they are guiding my every step that I make. I certainly hope so. Maybe they'll lead me towards some kind of happiness. Something that will fill the empty void in my life. Don't get me wrong,I love being in France and the countess has been more than kind to me. She's become the one friend that I have for now. I could use one. None of the servants talk to me. Maybe that is my own fault. Maybe it's because I feel so closed on the inside and out that I'm afraid to make more friends. Maybe it's my fear. Or maybe it's something else. I'm not sure. But then I remember why I'm so close...it was because of him. Eric. God,I thought I'd never have to think of him again. But that changed last night.
Last night for the first time in a long time,I dreamt of him. I went to sleep,thinking of sweeter thoughts but when I slipped into a deep state of subconscious,I was taken to a place...a forest in France. I was dressed in the white nightgown I had slept in. I was on my own,walking,feeling the wet grass between my toes and then I heard a voice. HIS voice. I couldn't ever forget it. In my dream,I turned around and there he was. I remembered his curly blonde hair and his eyes...his eyes...I could never forget. In the dream,I approached him. He was dressed in only a white shirt,black breeches and black boots. He was leaned up against a tree from what I remember. As I approached him,he began to talk about how he missed me,what a fool he was and like an idiot,my dream self listened. As I approached him,he took me in his arms and admitted that he loved me. But just as we were about to kiss,I woke suddenly. I gasped and looked around. I was in the bedchambers for the servant's at the countess's home. I was in reality. But it felt so weird. To see him again. I didn't want it. I laid down after having waking up and just stared at the ceiling,remembering when I met him and those months were I believed he could have cared for me. But then I remembered. I remembered he broke my heart. He kissed that woman. I saw it...with my own two eyes. Tears ran down my eyes that night. The heartbreak still felt new. He took my heart and tore it to pieces and yet...I miss him. I don't know how but I miss him. A part of me wants to believe that what I saw wasn't true. That it was all an illusion. That it wasn't him. But it wasn't an illusion. It was reality. He had kissed that girl,broke my heart and my life only went downhill from there. I don't blame Eric for any of my misfortunes...except that one day. It is because of him that I cannot open my heart. It is because of him that I fear to open up to anyone else and it is because of him that my heart still longs for him. I know he must have moved on by now but this feeling I cannot forget. I loved him. I fell so hard for him and yet...
I love him still. I hate him but...I love him. How strange is that? How can I love someone and yet hate him at the same time?
Alas when I try to stop my tears,talking about him always brings tears to my eyes. I cannot stop...I had to pause for a moment. My tears were ruining the paper and thus would ruin my writing. But I think I should stop writing. Before more memories of my past haunt me more and more. Before memories of him keep me from sleeping. I shouldn't be thinking these things. No,no. They cannot bring me down. They wouldn't. These past memories won't haunt me...not now. But for my final words,I write this. How can one forget someone that broke another's heart but yet...still long for said person. In short...I feel like a part of me is still away because of Eric. A piece of me that never could be filled. For some reason.
Thus with these final words,I, Lisette Destinee finish my writings for this day. With a single candle flame being blown out. I sleep now.
